1
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:07,956
You all right? What
are you looking for?

2
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,956
Hand? Blow? Anal? Toe?

3
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,956
Hi, Mum. Oh, hello, love!

4
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:12,956
What are you doing here?

5
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:14,956
You changed the Wi-Fi
password again. Oh, we did.

6
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:17,956
Oi! You're not getting
paid to chat shit...

7
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,156
Hello, son! Oh, yep.

8
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:20,956
Tim, what did we change
the Wi-Fi password to?

9
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,316
Wasn't it, "Get in
the van, you slag"?

10
00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:25,956
But the "you" is a
letter U, all lower case.

11
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,956
Well, isn't this sort of undercover
thing for, like, lower ranks?

12
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:29,996
You've got to keep
your hand in, son.

13
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,960
He's always got
his hand in. Gross.

14
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:50,956
Oi!

15
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,956
If you're here to spray a cock and
balls on the sign, you can piss off.

16
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,956
Er, trainee! Early
bird catches the worm.

17
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,316
Don't you call me a worm, or
I'll put a hex on your vagina.

18
00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:00,476
I wasn't. Is that even a thing?

19
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,796
As it happens, I'm in
rather a good mood,

20
00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:03,956
so I'm gonna let that one slide.

21
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,956
I, erm... I was at
an all-night party.

22
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,956
I haven't actually
been home. Oh, right.

23
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:11,796
Just nipping in for a quick
refresh of the old pits and bits.

24
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,956
It's 40 winks on the crash
mat and at my desk by nine,

25
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:16,956
and I said "winks", before
you start visualising

26
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,636
all sorts of
nonsense, you weirdo.

27
00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:22,956
Are you drunk? How dare you?

28
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:26,160
I have inexpensive implants that
render me somewhat lopsided.

29
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,956
Oh, no! Your shoe
fell. Thank you.

30
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,476
Want a hand?

31
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:33,956
It's a throbbing
bollock of a situation.

32
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,956
I can't make it any
clearer than that.

33
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,156
Could you try? Jesus.

34
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,956
Surveillance think we
have a prune in the nest.

35
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:41,956
It's not difficult, Bob.
Intel from the CIC is limited.

36
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:43,956
Sorry, CIC? Cocks In Charge.

37
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:47,956
No details. We just know that he
or she is connected to an OCG.

38
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:48,956
Organised Crime Group. Yes.

39
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,956
And the NCA aren't happy.

40
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:53,956
It's the National Crime
Agency. I know, wanker.

41
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,956
They suspect the plan is
to get this fucker trained,

42
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,956
and then a year or two later,
get them into an AC unit.

43
00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,476
Air Conditioning. What?

44
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,956
AC unit. Anti-Corruption.

45
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:02,956
It's also that, yes,

46
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,956
but I dare say he or
she may at some point

47
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:09,956
have to squeeze themselves into
a ventilation shaft or some such.

48
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,996
HE CLICKS TONGUE,
BLOWS RASPBERRY

49
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,960
Yes.

50
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:19,956
Has anyone got a pen? Steph?
Oh, Afia, have you got a pen?

51
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,956
SHE SCOFFS OK. Gotta
bagsy my chair.

52
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,956
Oh, yeah. I'm, er, putting
my name down for Cheese Club.

53
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,956
Cheese Club? Yeah,
I love cheese.

54
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,956
It says Chess Club,
Paul. Oh, shit.

55
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,956
I don't know how to play chess.

56
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,956
Hi, Geeta. Hotel India.

57
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,956
SHE GASPS Hotel India.

58
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,956
Bravo Uniform November?
Bravo Uniform November!

59
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,956
Yankee Uniform Mike! Mike, Mike.

60
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:46,956
Let him go, Steph. Let
him go. Paul? Hotel India?

61
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,956
You what? Hotel India.

62
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,956
Maybe. I mean, I've only
ever been Spain before.

63
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,960
I'll think about it, yeah?

64
00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:00,956
And how's the new battalion
shaping up? Early days, Chief.

65
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,956
Like, primordial soup
kind of early. Ooh, soup.

66
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,956
Yes, the danger with
quotas to fill, I suppose.

67
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,156
You open the floodgates and get
absolutely drenched in arseholes.

68
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,956
And we're not looking for
arseholes. Quite the opposite.

69
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,956
What? Front holes?
Ah, just the person!

70
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,956
If anyone can tell us about clamping
down on arseholes, it's Melanie. Ah!

71
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,636
They taste a bit like chicken,
apparently. Ooh, chicken.

72
00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:20,956
Yes, well, ears to
the ground, everyone.

73
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,956
But anything you need,
I'm here for you.

74
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,956
I don't believe in leading
from the rear, you know that.

75
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,956
I lead from the front, on
the streets, in the trenches.

76
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,956
Wherever I'm needed,
that's where I'll be...

77
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,956
PHONE PINGS AND
VIBRATES Oh, excuse me.

78
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,956
Erm... Well, I've
been sacked. Sacked?

79
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,476
You go to one leaving
do as Stephen Hawking!

80
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:38,956
Well, that just
doesn't make sense.

81
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,956
Stephen Hawking's an
incredibly brainy astronaut.

82
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:42,956
HE SCREAMS

83
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,960
Bastards! Ooh!

84
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,960
Apologies. Mm.

85
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:52,960
Apologies.

86
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,956
Tren... Do we have trenches?

87
00:03:55,960 --> 00:04:00,476
Bob, a very large vacancy
has just opened up.

88
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,956
Or maybe he meant truncheons.
Cunningham gone, eh?

89
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,956
SHE CHUCKLES

90
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:08,320
Well, that's really put
some lead in my nipples. Hm!

91
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:12,960
Trenches...

92
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,960
THEY GIGGLE

93
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,796
I mean, why'd they put all
the sexy ones in that group?

94
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,636
They didn't, it's just random.
Doesn't look random to me.

95
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:29,956
Why's Steph in this group, then?
Yes, exactly. Thank you, Paul.

96
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,956
Well, it's cos she's
almost sexy, but not quite.

97
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,956
And you're sexy...
over my dead body?

98
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,956
I heard, yeah, they're all having
sex with each other already.

99
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,956
Are they? Why aren't
we all having sex?

100
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,956
Maybe we just don't have
them sexual vibes, you know.

101
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,956
Maybe we're the sexless
ones. Or the married ones?

102
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:46,956
I'm sexy. Yeah.

103
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,956
But you have to let
other people say it, Dev,

104
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,956
cos you don't want to
come across like Steph.

105
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,636
I never said I was
sexy. Pretty much.

106
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,956
OK! I'm a massive, ugly goblin.

107
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:56,956
LEGGO AND DEV SIGH

108
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,960
Oh, now look what you've done.

109
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,956
That's my chair!

110
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,956
Did you bring it from
home? It's MY chair.

111
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:16,956
I have to sit there.
Is it a magic chair?

112
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,956
Like, do you use it to
suck up police procedures

113
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,956
through your bum hole?

114
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,956
All right, settle.
SHE CLEARS THROAT

115
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:24,956
What does that word
make you think of?

116
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,796
Winnie The Pooh?

117
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:31,956
And that is an example of
a trigger, a button pusher.

118
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,956
Whether you know it or not,
you will have a button.

119
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,956
Might be your restricted
height, er, your jug ears,

120
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,956
colour, gender, your tiny teeth.

121
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,956
You'll be screamed at, spat at,

122
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,956
pissed on, jizzed
on, and puked over,

123
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,956
all for who you are and the
uniform you so proudly wear.

124
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,476
Yeah, I get called too pretty
a lot, which is quite annoying.

125
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:57,640
Oh, my family used to call me
runty. My mother wanted to drown me.

126
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,956
So, get to know your buttons,
people. Push them yourselves.

127
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:05,956
Poke them. Probe them, even!

128
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,996
Again and again and again,

129
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,956
until they are worn
down to a nubbin.

130
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:15,316
Because if you let others push
that button for you, all is lost.

131
00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:18,476
You will be tempted to
overreact, trust me.

132
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:23,956
You will really, really,
really, really want to kill.

133
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,956
You OK, Paul? Yeah, sorry.

134
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,956
I didn't hear anything
after "nubbin".

135
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,956
I've had all sorts thrown at me. I
like the pink, round coconut ones.

136
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,956
All sorts of insults.

137
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,956
Many of which have been both
very hurtful and very accurate.

138
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:38,956
"Massive bitch" was
fair, certainly.

139
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:42,956
But I did draw the line
recently at "withered hag",

140
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,640
especially as I'd been declared
barren that very morning.

141
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,960
Did you just write
down "withered hag"?

142
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:53,956
You don't have to write down
every single thing I say.

143
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,956
Stop writing.

144
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:59,640
Put the titting pen
down and listen.

145
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,956
Put...

146
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:03,960
down...

147
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,320
...the...

148
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:08,956
...pen!

149
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:09,956
No!

150
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,996
Wait, isn't it baroness
rather than baron for a lady?

151
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,956
I was declared
barren. Infertile.

152
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,796
Ah, gotcha. Condolences.

153
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,956
I'm not dead. Right, that is it!

154
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,956
Nobody is to lend this student
any form of writing apparatus

155
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:27,796
for the rest of the day.

156
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:28,956
Is that clear?

157
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,956
Yes. STEPH: Yes, Ma'am.

158
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,956
OK.

159
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,956
Go and take a piss
break if you must.

160
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,476
And by that, I am referring to
the canteen coffee, obviously.

161
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:38,956
SHE CHUCKLES

162
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,960
AFIA SIGHS

163
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,960
IDLE CHATTER

164
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:51,956
Room for a petite one? Ah,
look, it's staff only, yeah?

165
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,956
Hello. Are you a bit
lost, are you, love?

166
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,956
Love? Student Officer
Jackson, you mean?

167
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,956
Student officer
Shmudent shmofficer.

168
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,996
Look, Steph. The
staff, we sit together.

169
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,956
The students also sit together,
but at different tables, yeah?

170
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,956
So, sort of like an
apartheid system? Yes.

171
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,476
No, Daz, not like an
apartheid system at all.

172
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:10,956
Well, a little bit.

173
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,956
How come he gets to call you
Steph, then? Oh, I'm so sorry.

174
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,956
Erm... We're a thing. We're
not. We're not a thing.

175
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,956
Well, how would you
describe it? As not a thing.

176
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,156
Hang on. You two have done it.

177
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,636
Well, that's an understatement,
because, yes, we have.

178
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,956
You got your bird
to join up? No.

179
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:26,956
Yeah, pretty much.

180
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,956
He did the big, hard sell on
the police, the little scamp.

181
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,956
Little
scamp. HE LAUGHS

182
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,796
Fuck me. Fair play, mate.
You got it on tap now, 24-7.

183
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,956
Any time you need a slippery
one, wham, bam, nice one.

184
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,956
Oh, Jesus, Daz, there's
ladies present, yeah? Yes-ah!

185
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,960
Although he's got a
point. Bye. Bye, Mike.

186
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,960
Hi, Steph.

187
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,956
Yeah, just some chips,
please. Chips, eh?

188
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,956
Don't get much call
for special orders.

189
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,476
You want that sort of thing, you
have to come round to the back.

190
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,956
Karen, you take over.

191
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,956
I mean, I don't... I
don't have to have chips.

192
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,636
It's me, you fool! Aunty Nooch.

193
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,956
Aunty Nooch? Oh, I didn't
recognise you with the tabard.

194
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,956
I haven't seen you in
ages. How have you been?

195
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,956
It's great you got a job. I mean,
you've only been out a month...

196
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,956
Oh, right. Yeah.

197
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,316
Cousins thought if they were
gonna have someone on the inside,

198
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,956
they should have someone
else on the inside

199
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,956
to keep an eye on the
first person on the inside.

200
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:22,956
But all they said to me was,

201
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,956
"Get bedded in,
instructions would follow."

202
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,156
First of all, there
ain't no beds.

203
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,956
Second of all, I can't
find any instructions.

204
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,956
This is your instructions.
You've got to get a flash drive.

205
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:37,956
Oh. All right, well, I think
Ryman's does them, so... Wait!

206
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,156
It's in Superintendent
Spry's office. Oh.

207
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:43,156
With a green luggage
label. Big Cheese needs it.

208
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,956
Big cheese? Oh, I didn't know
cheese would be involved.

209
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:46,956
That's brilliant.

210
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,956
How do you think you
got through the vetting?

211
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,956
I don't know... what vetting is.

212
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,960
Christ. Just go and find it.

213
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,960
I heard what you said...

214
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:00,956
...about chips... back here.

215
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,956
Oh.

216
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:03,956
Chips.

217
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,956
Yeah. Yeah, chips.

218
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,636
Yeah, chips.

219
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:09,956
KNOCK ON DOOR Mmm.

220
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:10,956
Here we are, Sir.

221
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,956
Timetable and notes for
this morning's session,

222
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:13,956
freshly highlighted by me.

223
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,956
Ah, de-escalation. AS
A ROBOT: De-escalate.

224
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,160
De-escalate.

225
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,316
Oh, it's very, very sad,
isn't it, about the, erm,

226
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:23,956
about the Chief Super?

227
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,956
But I do wonder what that
might mean for you, Sir.

228
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,476
Ah, yes. It means I should
probably send a card.

229
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,956
"Sorry you got the sack." Sir,

230
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,316
hypothetically, if someone
were to do all the work

231
00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:36,316
so you didn't have to worry
and entered you for...

232
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:37,956
Entered me?

233
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:41,956
...for, say, Britain's Got Talent,
you would do it, wouldn't you?

234
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,476
Britain's Got Talent?

235
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:44,956
HE STUTTERS What?
We're doing what?

236
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,956
Oh, I don't know. You're
very, very, very skilled.

237
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,796
HE STUTTERS
Britain's Got Talent.

238
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:50,956
I could see that happening,

239
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,996
in which case, I would
graciously accept.

240
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:57,476
And... Oh, no, look, the
three dots has come up again.

241
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,956
Oh, let me get that
for you, Sir Bob.

242
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:00,960
HE GROANS

243
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:07,960
Ah, yeah, yeah, it's
gone. It's gone. Mmm.

244
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:25,956
Paul, Paul! Can I
have my pen back?

245
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,956
Pen? What did it
look like? Pen-like.

246
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,316
The one I gave you this
morning at the notice board.

247
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,996
Oh, well, the superintendent
said we wasn't to give you a pen.

248
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,956
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She said
no-one was allowed to lend me a pen.

249
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:40,156
And you're not. You're giving me
back a pen I'd already lent to you.

250
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:41,956
Well, I think I
lent it to Spencer.

251
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,956
Sorry You lent a pen you
borrowed to someone else?

252
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,956
Well, no, I... I gave
it to him, really.

253
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,156
Wasn't planning on
asking for it back.

254
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,956
Oh, my God, which
one's Spencer? Thor.

255
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:55,156
Thor? Looks a bit like
Thor, son of Odin.

256
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,956
He's part of the sexy group.

257
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,956
You know how some people
are so good-looking,

258
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,956
you sort of feel bad asking
them to give you a pen back.

259
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,796
No. No, I don't. Hang
on, wait a minute.

260
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,956
I think Spencer
gave it to Steph,

261
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,956
probably when she was asking him
if she could join the sexy group.

262
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,960
Steph. Right. All
right, in a bit.

263
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:23,956
BOB EXHALES

264
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,956
Ah, Bob. Mm?

265
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:28,476
I am throwing my
hat into the ring.

266
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,956
What, your actual hat or
your "metabolical" hat?

267
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,476
Am I wearing a hat?

268
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,156
No, but you... you could
have one in your bag.

269
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,796
Am I carrying a
bag? No, but you...

270
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,796
you could have a bag with
a hat in it in your locker.

271
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,956
I don't. Well, keep it
under your imaginary hat.

272
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:42,956
Could be nothing.

273
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:47,960
I think I might be appearing
in Britain's Got Talent.

274
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,956
Fuck's sake.

275
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:54,956
Ah, Melanie! I would
like to be a contender.

276
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:55,956
Well, you won't
win. I will win.

277
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,956
Win what? What are
you talking about?

278
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,956
What are you talking about?
Cunningham's position.

279
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,956
CV. Application form.
Right, right, right.

280
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,956
Can it wait until I've done the
same for Bob Superintendent Weekes?

281
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,956
Another worthy applicant.
Oh, you're shitting me.

282
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:10,956
Bob The Bellend?

283
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,956
He's never shown the
slightest interest

284
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,956
in any big job before,
for fuck's sake.

285
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,316
He wouldn't be doing this just
to get on my tits, would he?

286
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,956
Has he any interest
in your tits, Ma'am?

287
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,156
Well, I wouldn't
have thought so, no.

288
00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:24,956
Well, that's a huge relief...
..for some of us.

289
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,956
What is that hippy shit?
That's my twat catcher.

290
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,956
Your twat catcher?

291
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,956
If the little feathers flutter
or the little bells tinkle,

292
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,956
it means there's a
wrong 'un nearby.

293
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,956
Well, we catch twats with
modern detective methodology,

294
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:40,316
Melanie, not with
new age mumbo jumbo.

295
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,956
It's my gut instinct in
feather and willow hoop form.

296
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,956
It's cultural
appropriation. Grow up.

297
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,956
BELLS CHIME

298
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:48,960
It works!

299
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:05,960
Well, I tried.

300
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,960
HE SIGHS

301
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,960
Er...

302
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:32,956
Are you wanking? What? No.

303
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,316
Then what are you doing, then?

304
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,956
HE STUTTERS Well, yeah,
no, I was wanking.

305
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,956
You can't just go
around rubbing your cock

306
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,956
and blasting one off
on police property.

307
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,956
What, are you trying to fuck
that filing cabinet or what,

308
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:43,956
you weird fuck?

309
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,956
I've just been really
stressed at work and all that.

310
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,476
Oh, yeah, that old story!

311
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:48,956
I've just been really stressed,

312
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,316
and I had to find a filing
cabinet and jizz everywhere.

313
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,960
Get out! Yes, Sir.

314
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:56,960
Ah! I'm sorry.

315
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,956
Yeah, urgh! HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

316
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,960
HE SNORTS Bloody perv.

317
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,956
Steph. Pen? My pen?

318
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:19,956
Right, here's a lovely long
word for you. De-escalation.

319
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,956
How might we go about
that? Huggins, any ideas?

320
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:26,956
De-escalation.
Could use a tablet.

321
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,956
Beg your pardon?
Or, like, a sachet?

322
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,956
Because we've got, like, a
coffee machine and there's...

323
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,476
there's a sachet, and
you put the sachet...

324
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,316
No, no, what you've got
there is descaling. Oh.

325
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:37,956
It's not quite the same thing.

326
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,956
There's not much call for descaling
in everyday police work. No.

327
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:45,796
Can anybody help Huggins there
with a definition of de-escalation?

328
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:46,956
Erm, is it when you use...

329
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,956
...the escalators?

330
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,636
Racist. What? It's
just an accent.

331
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:52,956
Mocking a historically
oppressed race.

332
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,956
Which wasn't what I was
doing. Doesn't matter.

333
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:55,956
It's how it's
perceived that counts.

334
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,956
Well, he said "de-escalation"
first. You wrote it on a board!

335
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,956
I didn't mean it racistly.
Well, welcome to my world.

336
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,956
Try telling her that. Do
you want to get thrown out?

337
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,956
Erm... yes. Yeah.

338
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,956
Well, nice try. HE CHUCKLES

339
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,476
Come on, everyone.

340
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,996
Look at this. What's
this word here? Triggers.

341
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:17,956
Can somebody say something that
they think might trigger me?

342
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,476
Anything you like. I've
been in the force 38 years.

343
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,636
Anything you like.
Give it both barrels.

344
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,960
Come on, try and upset
me. You've underachieved.

345
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,956
Not, not that. Why not that?

346
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,796
Cos I say so. No, but
it's true, though.

347
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,156
Tell me I'm fat. You're
a fat underachiever.

348
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,956
No, just the fat.
You don't get to pick

349
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,956
which insults you get
on the street, do you?

350
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,956
No, cos on the street,
people aren't gonna know...

351
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,956
THINK that I have underachieved,
because I haven't,

352
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,956
- so that's quite...
- Brrp-brrp.

353
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,956
So sorry, it's a text now. What's...
It's not, that's an orange.

354
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,956
Oh, so much, so, so many...

355
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,956
Oh, I knew it. I've got to
be somewhere pretty urgently,

356
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:53,796
so hard being important and
in charge of things and...

357
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,956
Come, get your skates on,
will you, Bob? Oh, gosh.

358
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,960
Right, now...

359
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,960
That was a good lesson. Yeah.

360
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,956
Steph, can I have my pen back?

361
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:06,996
What pen?

362
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:10,956
She's got my pen, my favourite
pen, and she won't give it back!

363
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:12,956
Who has a favourite pen?
What are you, eight?

364
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,956
So, why won't you
give her her pen back?

365
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,956
Did you lick it? Or
put it somewhere gross?

366
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,996
No, I haven't got her stupid
pen. She borrowed it from Thor,

367
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,956
who got it from Paul,
who borrowed it from me.

368
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:22,956
But she says she hasn't got it.

369
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,956
Why are you believing
her? I don't know.

370
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,956
She just looks more honest
than you. SHE SCOFFS

371
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,956
It's not a race thing.
I-I just fancy her more.

372
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,636
How can you fancy a
pen thief? Pen thief?

373
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,956
Yeah, what is the mark-up on
them bad boys? Is it, like, 30%?

374
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,156
And do you cut it and shut it or
do you, like, strip it for parts?

375
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:39,316
Not about the pen. It IS about
the pen, because with no pen,

376
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,956
I have no notes, and with no
notes, I won't know everything.

377
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,956
And if I don't know everything,

378
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,956
I won't get to be
policewoman of the year,

379
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,956
and if I don't get to be
policewoman of the year,

380
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:48,956
my dad will treat me like a girl

381
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,996
and won't let me borrow the
big car like my brothers!

382
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,956
- Wow. - Told you.

383
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,476
OK, what you need
right now is a pen.

384
00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:02,956
Here, have my pen.
It's made of dreams.

385
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,476
SHE SCREAMS

386
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,960
HE GRUNTS

387
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,960
I heard a crunch.

388
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,956
Melanie, I think I've
had a brilliant idea.

389
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,796
That doesn't surprise me, Sir.

390
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:19,956
You are an extraordinary
human being.

391
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,996
Here goes. I am going to
apply for Cunningham's job.

392
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,956
Oh! Well, my word,
that is clever.

393
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,956
Well, I'm not one to
underachieve, as you know,

394
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,636
so I may have to put
Britain's Got Talent on hold

395
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:32,956
and enter the fray.

396
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,956
Obviously, I realise
that Superintendent Spry

397
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,996
has also applied, but, er...
we are very much equals,

398
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,636
so, it should be a good scrap.

399
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,956
Mm, and don't forget you'd
have me on your side, Sir.

400
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,156
Good to have you in my corner.

401
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,956
What, actually? No, as
in the boxing, you know.

402
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,956
You will be my second.
Was there a first?

403
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,316
Yes, there was.
Jennifer Hepburn.

404
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,160
I was 17, and she
smelt of wet cardboard.

405
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,956
No, they'll throw her
out for this, 100%.

406
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,956
No! Leggo, please?

407
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,956
What's going on?
This one bit this one.

408
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,636
Fucking hell, where? Over
there, by the lockers.

409
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:09,956
No, which bit of
him did she bite?

410
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,476
My fucking fanny finger.
Oh, no, that's gross.

411
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:13,956
I'm actually on Afia's side now.

412
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,956
Anyone who has a fanny finger
deserves to have it bitten off.

413
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,956
Right, Steph, you can have
the pen. Keep it, it's OK.

414
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,956
Just PLEASE don't tell anyone.

415
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,956
I don't have your bloody
pen. Don't start that again.

416
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:24,956
He's gonna snitch
on me. You bit me.

417
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:26,316
Oh, don't be such a baby.

418
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,796
My kids bite each other
all the time. There's no...

419
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,956
Oh. OK, yeah, you need to get
that looked at. Not by you.

420
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:34,956
A shark with tiny teeth has savaged
my second most important appendage.

421
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:39,960
And now Afia's bitten it as well.
Oh, he's had no luck, has he?

422
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,956
THEY GRUNT Oi, you know
what I like? Right?

423
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,956
Yeah? And that's
in films, yeah?

424
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,956
Yeah. Where you think a guy
has run out of bullets, but...

425
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,476
I'll tell you what Mike
likes. OK, boundaries, yeah?

426
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:53,956
Trainer's area.
Sorry, I just, erm...

427
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:57,956
I just need to talk to Mike
about something, er, personal.

428
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,156
What is wrong with you? Have
you got the mental health?

429
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,636
Above his bed,

430
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,956
he's got a picture of himself in
just a thong and aviator shades.

431
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,956
I bet he has. OK. So...

432
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,956
What, what are you doing?
Oh, sorry, am I over sharing?

433
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,956
Can you just stop it? Stop
it. Stop... your mouth.

434
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,956
Well, can you just admit
that we're a thing?

435
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,960
OK. OK.

436
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,316
We're a thing. No, no, no.
So the caveman can hear.

437
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:19,956
All right, we're a thing.

438
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,956
Oh, my God, Mike, stop
going on about it.

439
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,956
It's embarrassing. Wow.

440
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,956
You know, she reminds me
of my dad's ferret, Tina.

441
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,636
Once she bit, she never let go.

442
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:30,956
We had to have her put down

443
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,956
while she was biting
my dad's inner thigh.

444
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:33,956
Yeah, that's Steph.

445
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,636
Shame all the fit ones
have the mental health.

446
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,956
HE GRUNTS

447
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,956
IDLE CHATTER

448
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:41,956
Fantastic. Pint for you, mate.

449
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,996
Oh-ho, legend! So, did
they ask you what happened?

450
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,956
Well, yeah.

451
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,956
Now, obviously, I could have
said it was a sex injury.

452
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,796
Who bites during sex?
Not you, clearly.

453
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,956
What do you mean by that? Oh,
watch out. It's Hannibal Lecter.

454
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,476
Hide your fingers.
LEGGO CHUCKLES

455
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,956
Obviously, I'm really sorry
and all that, but did you...?

456
00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:00,956
Tell them about
you? I did. And...

457
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,156
Really? Yeah.

458
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:05,956
It turns out I slipped and fell into
a yawning Alsatian in the dog unit.

459
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,956
I don't believe it. Well,
it's not true, is it?

460
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:08,956
You bit me.

461
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,956
No, I don't believe you did
something nice. No offence.

462
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,956
Hi. Good news about your pen.

463
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:14,956
So, I spoke to Spencer,

464
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,956
and he said he gave it
to Steve, not Steph.

465
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,956
See, I thought he said Steph. So,
yeah. That's Steph off the hook.

466
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,956
And, hey, at least I
can get my pen back.

467
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,956
Nah, Steve's went and flushed
it down the toilet, the mug.

468
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,956
He was trying to
unblock a monster.

469
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,956
Great news, Paul.
Yeah, no worries, mate.

470
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:30,956
Oi, Steph, turns out you
didn't take that pen after all.

471
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,156
Thank you for letting me know,
Paul. Yeah, you're welcome.

472
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:34,996
For someone who doesn't
want to be in the police,

473
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,956
covering up for your
colleague seems very cop-like.

474
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,956
Yeah, must have cop
juice in your blood.

475
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,956
You can be different from
your family, you know. Yes!

476
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,160
Yes, you can!

477
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,956
- You
fucking can. - Mm.

478
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,996
You can. Anyone fancy
going down to the gym?

479
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,956
Oh, sorry, Dev, mate,
I've got Cheese Club.

480
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,316
Oh, wait. No, I haven't, have I?

481
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,636
No. Oh, I was looking
forward to that.

482
00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:58,960
Oh. Mm.

483
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:03,956
You wearing slippers?

484
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:07,956
Yes, Melanie encourages me to look
after my arches, the kind girl.

485
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:11,956
Oh, I think you should know that
I've applied for the top dog job.

486
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,956
You do know what Cunningham's
job requires, right?

487
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:14,956
A lot of things, I imagine.

488
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,956
Being in charge, NOT dressing
up as Stephen Hawking.

489
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,956
It... It's a position that calls
for intelligence, leadership,

490
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,956
hard work and... intelligence.

491
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,956
Yes, I should coco.

492
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,956
Not a job for a terminally
ineffectual yes-man.

493
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,316
Yes, well, if you say so.

494
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:29,996
Somebody who lacks even
the basic knowledge

495
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:31,956
of the world around them.

496
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,956
Hang on. You're talking
about me, aren't you?

497
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,636
Stay in your lane, Bob!

498
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,956
You don't stand a tiddler's
chance of getting a job like this.

499
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:42,156
We shall see, and may the best
superintendent win. Ha-ha!

500
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,956
That's a cupboard. I know!

501
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,960
Subtitles by
accessibility@itv.com

502
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:10,960
I know.